But you know what I mean.
It was one of the first times we had slept together. I had smoked a few joints and she had had a few glasses of wine. We lay together in the candle light and the scent of fresh flowers which cast dancing shadows on the walls. While we had been moving together, I had visions of flying over fields of yellow wheat and then grass covered hills, gently curved hills reminiscent of a woman's breasts and thighs. Above me white clouds, each distinct and shaped like an animal. In my mind's eye, I saw two glowing dots approach a circle and I knew one was me and one was her. When the dots entered the circle they spun around each other and grew closer and closer until they came together and then disappeared in a burst of light and so did we.
I thought the Great Big Bang that scientists say was the beginning of time and the universe was justified. Everything was justified that came before our sharing ourselves with each other, in what was a moment of perfection, everything falling together into a sublime living creation which was the two of us embraced and still trembling, overwhelmed by beauty into silence. There is God and there is this creation, us, and it is all worthwhile.
That is what I thought.
But I also knew it couldn't last. It is impossible to live like that, there is no reason at all to move. The body and the heart and the mind are all aligned in an equilibrium and the spirit is at rest. The reason for creation had been achieved but creation must go on. And so it did.
Ever since that moment, twenty years ago, an idea has been growing in my mind, as if that moment was a seed and the tree that grew from it, a Tree of Life. God is The Cause, The Perfect Cause and He Affects my mind, which is the effect, the perfect effect. My mind is perfect because it is God's creation and is an exact consequence of His Perfect Will. My mind is the place of my life in the universe and in it is everything I will ever know, have ever known. To know is to perceive and to sense, to feel and to think. I am God's creation and the manifestation of His Will, from whatever be my beginning to whatever be my end.
I am the purpose of God's creation as regards myself.
His is the intent, mine is the intent manifested as my being what I have been, and becoming whatever I am yet to be.
God as Cause is incalculably greater than me as the effect.
The effects that come together as my mind and all within it, come and go, coagulate and tessellate and then dissolve and fall apart, nothing remains the same and even my observation of it all fluctuates in width and breadth and scope. I am unable ever to hold it all together or make perfect consistent sense of it all, of all that comes and becomes and joins together and then falls apart or blows apart or shatters. My mind is a constant flux. And while I am sometimes exhausted and often in pain, I would have it no other way. For it all is God's Creation, His Divine Art. The Art of My God The Artist.
I am like an unfinished canvass that can see itself becoming what it is meant to be but will never see the completed masterpiece. My mind is indeed a masterpiece, that I can already see.
It is not something I deserve or have earned.
I am sure there are many others so blessed and have been throughout the ages. God has complete artistic license. It is God's Creative Privilege to make of each of us what He does and He doesn't make us all the same. No Artist makes the same creation over and over again, always the same. Works of art are not equal in value and people's minds differ in the degree they encompass aspects of God's creativity, but all minds are to the same degree, perfectly the effect of God's affecting them.
We all need One God,
with One Name,
and One Torah.
The God of Art
And His Torah
by jmr a light.
Art for Art's Sake!
A Catastrophic Tragedy. Maybe Not!
Jonathan Michael Robbins
יונתן מיכאל רבינס